I’ve learned not to be so naive. The people who you expect to be there for you always find a way of letting you down.
You know.. I’m not going to write this in code like usual. I’m going to use names for once.
So this is about my mom. I needed her more than ever the last few days. And she wasn’t there, out of her own choice. She probably won’t ever know how much she’s hurt me this last little bit. Because she refuses to talk to me. I hate being this blunt, but I hope to God I never turn out the way she has. I’ll never treat my kids the way she is. If it were my daughter who I found out was going through so much, I wouldn’t be going out with my boyfriend, especially not the same day for fuck sake. I wouldn’t ignore her.
It’s been made pretty clear where her priorities lie. This is the reason why kids don’t have relationships with their parents. I wish I didn’t have to go through things by myself, but I clearly won’t be getting any support from her. Really hurts my heart.
I don’t know why I ever believed telling her what’s going on with me would be a good idea. I knew she wouldn’t care, and that’s why I didn’t tell her for so long. Because I knew that she wouldn’t give a fuck, and I knew that it would hurt more than I already was. I was 100% right. I should trust my instincts more often.
i’m not really sure where this post is going to go.. nowhere good, that’s for sure. i hate ranting on here, cuz everyone can see. but there’s nowhere else for me to really write anything.
i’m sick of not feeling good enough for people. one person inparticular. and how their past always has a funny way of creeping up on me. it will never go away, and that’s hard. cuz thanks to good ol’ facebook, it will ALWAYS be there. i think i just need to delete facebook altogether. i seriously live in the wrong decade. i need to live in the 50s or 60s. before technology took over the fucking world.
no matter how much you tell me, i know i’ll never be good enough. because it’s just not true. what i think and what you tell me are completely different. i never think i’m pretty or anything else you say, cuz in my mind you never felt about me the way you felt about other people. idk if i’ll ever shake that feeling.
i really just wanna go to bed and sleep for the rest of my life. the last 3 or 4 days have mostly just sucked right from the start. there were parts of the days that were good. but for the most part, i just wanted to lie down in bed and sleep forever and forget about all the bullshit. i really just don’t want to feel anymore. i’d give up every feeling in the world, even the good ones, to get away from how i’ve been feeling.
today is just gonna suck, i can tell already. i can’t wait to go home and go back to bed.